DESTROY MY PLANET

Just a self-deprecating story I started writing. I promise it won’t end on a depressing note. I plan on making the narrator’s life slightly better.

Part I

Fuck…fuck. Time to wake up, asshole. Drag yourself off of this puke-stained excuse for a couch and get in that piss-stained excuse for a shower. You call this an apartment? This is where you live? Being homeless seems almost more appealing - at least then you’d have some friends, right? Five more minutes. I promise. Who are you kidding? Nobody gives a fuck whether or not you get your ass off of this couch or lay there for the next twenty years. It’s what you’ve been doing all of your worthless life, right? Right… I’m getting in the shower.

Part II

So you drank alone last night…again. Sure, you can tell yourself that you drink that cheap, white trash beer for the taste, but we all know you just need to get wasted; you need to forget just how shitty your life is. Oh, and of course, it also helps you black out before 5AM - kind of like a sleeping pill for a blossoming alcoholic. You need to get out there and do something with your life, man! Anheuser-Busch doesn’t give a fuck about you, so why do you always crawl to them when YOU do something to screw up YOUR life? Sure, things will be better today. They have to be better today. You tell yourself that every morning - or whenever you decide to wake up - but it never gets any better. It never will. It never will…at least not with you running the ship around here. You’re like Captain Ahab, but with far less motivation and both legs still attached to your shoddy frame. Okay, so you’re really nothing like Ahab, but you’re just as delusional and fucked up as him - why don’t they write a book about you? Oh yeah, that’s right. All you ever do is eat and jack off. Eat, jack off, eat, jack off, etc., etc.. Don’t reach for that thing. You don’t need your laptop right now! Nobody has even thought about talking to you, and why would they? What have you done for anyone recently? Where were you when your brother needed help with that thing? Where were you when what’s his name needed someone to talk to? You selfish piece of shit. Just grab your three dollar cigarettes -that you didn’t even pay for- and get out of here. Go get some fresh fucking air. 

Part III

At least you don’t have anywhere to be today. At least you’re a “glass half full” kind of guy, right? Don’t kid yourself, asshole! You don’t have anywhere to be because all of your friends hate you. You don’t have anywhere to be because you don’t have a job. You don’t have anywhere to be because she dumped you. You don’t have anywhere to be because no one wants to be anywhere with you! Hey, at least you’re somewhat honest with yourself. At least you have that going for you. Just sit back, relax, and let that smoke fill your lungs. Let that nicotine hit your blood. Fuck…even smoking feels unsatisfying now. Pretty soon you’ll be choking down a pack a day just to get your fix - just to feel normal. At least you have something to look forward to. So now you’re going for a walk in the park? Right after inhaling that cancer? Doesn’t that seem just a little counterproductive? Fuck it. You could use some sun. You could use some exercise. You could use some civilization.

1.) You know, I think Shark Week is just an excuse for us ordinary, shark fearing, Americans to be entertained by other peoples’ oceanic misfortunes. When you flip on the news on a day that’s not encompassed by all that is Shark Week and hear about 12 year old kid’s right leg being ripped off by a hammerhead, you think “oh, that’s terrible. That poor little boy. He never saw it coming”. But on Shark Week it’s a completely different situation. When you see someone’s face getting chewed off by a Great White on Shark Week, all you can say is “Fuck yeah! Sharks!” 

2.) You know, when you think about it, Big Foot is just the world’s greatest Hide-and-Seek enthusiast; that’s all he is. It’s been his turn to hide for however long crazy people insist that he’s existed. He’s a pro. There’s no denying that fact, but, you know, I would hate to have to hide from Big Foot. It would be terrible. Maybe even horrific, but not just because he’s a mythical predatory forest monster that could kill me with one hairy finger. No, it’s because I would suck at it. He would find me within the first minute of my turn because my shoe would be sticking out from behind the tree I decided to hide behind. It would be totally embarrassing.

3.) Everybody remembers “knock knock” jokes, right? You probably had a weird uncle that told one to you at every family reunion or in the back of his van. Kids love ‘em and that’s understandable because kids are stupid. I think that “knock knock” jokes are terrible though. I mean, they set us up to take any knocking at our door too lightly. All of the worst news is usually accompanied by a  knocking at the door. For example: someone knocks on the door. 

“Who’s there?” 

“Your son is dead.” 

“Your son is dead, who?”

 “Miss, I’m not telling you this in jest. Your son is really dead.”

 “HAHA!”

See, that’s a terrible situation. Nobody should have to experience that. Can you imagine how the unnamed man delivering that horrible news must feel? Confused, that’s for sure. Maybe even a little turned on because he finally found a woman with a sense of humor. Well, I did not expect that. A happy ending. Maybe “knock knock” jokes are okay. 

Religion. It is definitely a touchy subject, but I feel the need to scribble/type/blog my thoughts about it. I seriously doubt that many people will even read this, but I will go ahead and warn you, the reader, that what I say may be found offensive. If you hold your religion in high regards then I suggest that you click the little red ‘x’ on your browser window now. If you consider yourself to be an open-minded individual then, please, proceed.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with religion. Sure, I may not agree with most of the moral platitudes found within religious texts, but the fact that they exist doesn’t irk me. I am conscious of the human need for religion - I mean, it’s been around as long as man has (don’t quote me on that). Most of us desire to be part of something more, something bigger than ourselves, and I completely understand that. That desire is logical; it is something that makes complete sense, and, I believe, we all feel that need. Also, most religions promote a number of great ideals. Just take a look at Christianity. If Jesus didn’t promote the ideas that we should love and help each other, then I’m not exactly sure what he was promoting. I’m certain that many religions exude those same ideals, and that’s something that we all can appreciate - it’s just morally right. Now that I’ve made it clear that pure religion doesn’t bother me, on to what does. The people that follow said religions, namely, Christianity.

I’ll attempt not to go into my personal beliefs in this blog, but you should know that I come from a Southern Baptist background. I was raised in the church and have numerous great memories from the years spent there. I also have a few not-so-great memories and those seem to overshadow the great ones (that’s usually the case for anything, though). Now back to our original programming. The people. Granted, I’m not a huge fan of people to begin with (blame it on the self-diagnosed social anxiety disorder), but most self proclaimed ‘Christians’ just get under my skin and stay there. The condescending looks, the constant urge to ‘save’ non-believers, and the persistent need to shove their beliefs down my throat just put me in an unhappy place when all I want to do is be happy. I know that I sound bitter and harsh, but that’s not my fault - it’s Christianity’s fault. Just like most of you, I live in the South. There is no need to push religion with that much intensity. They call it the Bible Belt for a reason. Anyone living in the South knows about Jesus and his incredible life story. Maybe, just maybe, there is some fortunate soul down here that hasn’t heard of Jesus, but that probably means that he or she doesn’t really care to learn. I notice that many Christians feel the need to post little Christian quips on any Facebook/Myspace/blog/etc. post that they may not wholeheartedly agree with. Just stop. It’s not helping the cause at all. If anything it’s making people detest Christianity even more. Do you think Jesus would resort to being a jackass if someone didn’t agree with him? C’mon. I hear (well, I read. I don’t get out of the house enough to hear any actual human voices) a number of Christians complain that their religion is being looked down upon or chastised. So what? I know that I sound immature, but just deal with it. If you look down upon or chastise those who aren’t part of your organization then you should expect that in return. I’m sure that’s somebody’s law. Maybe Newton’s…or Murphy’s. You want to know why your religion is being run into ground? It’s because of YOU. That’s the simple truth. You may present yourself as a Christian, but all I can see is an asshole, and that’s probably all I’ll ever see. Now, I know I said ‘you’ a lot there, but I wasn’t necessarily talking to you. I’m sure that there are many great Christians out there - I happen to know a few myself, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that most Christians exasperate me. Sure, I’m being selfish, and I’m sure that I annoy many Christians, but this is my blog and this is the end.

So…these guys, Everyone Everywhere, may be my new favorite band. Influenced by bands like The Get Up Kids and Piebald, Everyone Everywhere captures a sound that just warms my soul - like booze without the hangover and mysterious bruises. I’m not really sure how long they’ve been around but their first full length just came out and it’s crazy good. They released an EP (“A Lot of Weird People Standing Around”) a while back, and, while it’s not as good as the LP, it is FREE! So…if you’re in the mood for some good music, or if you’re just tired of listening to the same old Nickelshit then pick it up here.

is back. Well, I don’t guess they ever really left, but the original incarnation is back. Both John Nolan and Shaun Cooper have rejoined the TBS boys. For anyone who doesn’t know, John and Shaun were with the band when they recorded their groundbreaking debut Tell All Your Friends. You know, I really am looking forward to whatever comes from this (some are saying its all about one last tour, while others think a full LP is on the way), but I kind of feel sorry for the Matts (previous guitarist and bassist) who probably got the boot. Taking Back Sunday’s last album, New Again, definitely was subpar, so, hopefully, the new (old?) additions to the band will result in something positive.